the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
send nudes
from the living room?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
