I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
