I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
