Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
