I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
