i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
