oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
