Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
