let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
