It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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