Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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