Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
