The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
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I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
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I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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