Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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