you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
