peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
