i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
