I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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