Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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