she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
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Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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