Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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