hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
