every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
