Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
