When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
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It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
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In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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