Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
