the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
