i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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