Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
True strength comes from lack of pants
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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