i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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