he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
