Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
