You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
