We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
