This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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