3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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