dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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