dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
