I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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