my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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