mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
