I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
