I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
