Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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