My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
