So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
