Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
