DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
