I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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