Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
