My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
