Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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