I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
