I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
