I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
